I can't buy Spotted Dick any more. It's offensive, they say. Don't know why, as it contains dead carnal produce, which on the surface is not offensive, E numbers that don't offend, grease, lard, currants. Especially currants. Can currants truly anger me.

But no. It's the cross that offends, isn't it? Spotted? Is this distasteful perhaps to contrary youths, damaged with acne, or does it refer to their someone patched in the hurt of mugging every old lady, for her period allowance money? Ooops, that's not politically precise is it?

Then it has to be the Dick constituent of the dub which is intolerable. Again, surprising, reported to my mate Richard - or Dick, as we phone up him; he hasn't been accosted by the Thought Police yet, for uttering his truncated identify when someone introduced to ladies titled Fanny.

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Maybe it's conscionable me. Maybe that chalkboard really is a chalkboard, and Blackpool truly is Holiday Town. I for sure cognise that Christmas in Birmingham is Winterville, and cards include pictures of tractors instead of the politically-incorrect Christian symbols. I will to God - oops, apologetic - that we could retrovert to Olde Worlde traditions and report to the PC Brigade to get clogged - sorry, that's disagreeable to turkeys.

But you cognize what I imply. Erosion of rife denotation prevails, and clear-cut Simons - sorry, Simon, I'm so un-PC nowadays - sit down wood - can I say that? - desks, near spurting structure pens in appendage - sorry, that is so overloaded beside sexual references, isn't it? - and hand chaotic - apologies to relations in noetic homes - religious text that have dead no pose on authenticity at all.

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